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To fake is human, to talk is divine

John and Jane are having sex, and Jane has decided to fake orgasm. Jane does not really feel like having sex tonight at all, but thinks ok, let him. A couple of days ago, he said something about how important sex was in a relationship. But right now, she’s not really up to a discussion about how often they should have sex. So she thinks: OK my friend, you get sex and I get peace.

He really makes an effort to make it fun: Different positions, licking her a little while, cuddling her breasts. But it’s not really any use, she just not in the mood tonight.

She also feels she’s getting dry and that doesn’t make it any better. It’s time to end the show.

So she grabs his hips and thrusts him harder into her. She opens her mouth, puts her head a little backwards with her eyes closed and breathes faster, makes the sounds she usually makes just before her orgasm, and then she ends it all with a loud “Ohh!” And then she relaxes. A few seconds later John comes.

“That was fantastic,” he says. “And was it good for you too, honey?”

He falls asleep quickly. After a couple of minutes, Jane sneaks under her own duvet and reaches out for the novel she’s currently reading.

A lot of people fake orgasm, especially women. Some do it every time they have sex, others only once in a while. But for what reasons?

You want to make your partner happy

Most fake for the sake of the partner. And that of course is a good motive, wanting to please your significant other. A good partner hopes that when you have sex, it should be great for both of you. Ideally, you should climax simultaneously, in a huge common climax. If you are unable to meet these expectations, you can pretend – and let your partner keep the image of her/himself as a fantastic bed buddy.

But although you motivation is good, it’s a really bad idea to fake in a permanent relationship.  You should be able to talk about things, including sex, shouldn’t you? Hasn’t Jane told John what he can do to make her orgasm? If she consistently fakes and they never talk about what she likes best, she may never get an orgasm with John. In the long run that could make their relation a sinking ship. Sex is so important to make love last and hold a relationship together, but it must be fun and wonderful and not something you just do out of duty.

But loving someone also means giving a gift sometimes. Just tell it as it is: “I don’t feel like it today, honey, but if you want to, I don’t mind giving you a good oral or whatever you’d like. Then it’s my turn another time.”

You try to turn yourself on

Some people hope that if they just get started, they will get so horny during the proces that they will reach climax. It’s sex life’s fake it till you make it. It’s actually not such a bad idea and it may very well work from time to time. If it is about focusing on and enhancing feelings you already have, it may work like some kind of training to get an orgasm.

You believe that everyone else has the wildest orgasms

Some people fake because they don’t know what’s normal. They believe that everyone else gets the most amazing orgasm after a maximum of five minutes of regular intercourse – so when they don’t live up to their own expectations, they’d better fake. They are afraid they will be seen as abnormal otherwise. Frigid was the word for it in the old days with a very negatively charged word, and that means cold. So in order to appear as sexy and sensual lovers or mistresses, they put on an act and add som extras to body language, sounds and movements.

This type of faking is not uncommon in one night stands, where the scene may not be set for a deep conversation about lusts and turn-offs.

You just want to sleep …

And then there are those who fake just to get it over with, like Jane. It’s just a little white lie that does not harm anyone, right? She could also just have said no and let John lay there with his lust until it disappeared, or he handled it himself. After all, it’s not a human right to get sex just because you want it – not even in a steady relationship.

Too dangerous for Facebook!

I have written a couple of books about sex. Last Christmas, I wanted to advertise on Facebook for my first book, Sex after 50. I had done that a year before and sold a good deal, and I wanted to repeat the success.

Things didn’t really turn out as expected. This is what happened, in a slightly dramatized version:

 

I start the proces.

– Dear Facebook, I would like to buy an ad for my book.

Facebook answers as promptly as any energetic seller would.

– Of course. Thanks for reaching out! Who would you like to target?

– Men and women over 35. In Denmark. And, well, let’s include Norway too.

– That’s awesome! And what’s your budget? 539 kr (about §90) a day?

– Hm. That’s a little more than I had in mind. Let’s say 50 kr a day for 10 days.

– OK then. Well, it may generate a few clicks, of course. We’re here to help you promote your homepage and sell your book! What’s the title?

– It’s “Sex after 50”.

 

A little red light starts blinking on the screen.

 

– Your promotion may not be accepted. Please read our Advertising Policies.

I click on the link and read. It says:

 

Policy

Ads are not allowed to promote sale or use of adult products or -services, except for family planning and contraception. Ads for contraception must focus on the contraceptive properties of the product and not on sexual pleasure or performance-enhancing effect, and they must be targeted people over 18.

 

A little later, I receive a mail from the censorship department at Facebook.

– Your ad has not been approved. There is adult content, which is forbidden.

– Oh come on Facebook, that is a misunderstanding! My book is very decent, there are no pictures, no porn, nothing that can embarrass or offend anyone. I would like to appeal your decision.

I wait. After a day or so, I get another mail.

 

Hi Ditte,

Thanks for contacting us.

Your ad has not been approved because the web address used in the ad does not comply with our policy about adult products.

We do not allow ads that promote or suggest any kind of sexual acts. This kind of ads result in negative emotions in our users, and we have zero tolerance to these advertisements. This policy also includes ads targeted to people over 18.

This decision is final, and further mails will not be answered.

 

The double standards of Facebook

 

I don’t know what’s the most appropriate reaction – laughing or crying? Feeling offended, or maybe proud to have stepped on the toes of the prissy American double standards? My book is an adult product promoting sexual pleasure. Shame on me (and everybody else who enjoys sex)!

So. Facebook supports the viewpoint that sex is for having babies, not for fun, wellness, closeness, intimacy… and so on.

So. You can advertise for contraceptives, but not for pleasure.

But wait… If you use contraception, you’re doing it for fun, pleasure and all the good feelings, right? And not for having babies?

Right?

Dear Mark Zuckerberg, please send me your address, and I will send you a copy of my book, completely free of charge. It’s called Sex after 50, and even if there are still some years left until your 50th birthday, I have a feeling that it would be a really good idea that you start preparing now. You see, people over 50 have sex for feeling good. Not for having babies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madly in love!

Love is so great when it’s right. And it’s so terribly difficult when it’s wrong.

If you’ve tried it, you know how crazy you are when you have fallen in love. The brain doesn’t work in its normal mode, and neither does your heart! Your wonderful, glowing emotions are all that count – other feelings, choices and priorities – forget about them. When you’re really in love, you don’t feel pain, hunger or cravings as strongly as otherwise. You don’t sleep, you lose weight. You may put everything else in your life at stake, turn it upside down, lie, cheat and let people who trust you down, just to be with your beloved. He or she is on your mind 24/7 and you are quite unable to concentrate on other things.

And of course it has to be like that, because you just know that the one you love is something special, a truly fantastic person who is good and great throughout. All you see is this person’s amazing qualities, and any less flattering sides are forgotten. Your friends and relatives may not agree with you in this, but you don’t care. You are convinced that as they get to know your beloved, they will understand you.

And the object of your emotions, this unique woman or man, is the first one who ever saw you as the person you really are, a truly fantastic person who is good and great throughout…

If love is mutual, it becomes even stronger. To be allowed to be the one and only for someone as wonderful as your beloved heightens you too. You feel that you also are a great human being, who can do and achieve far more than you have before. It’s a second chance, and your loved one will make you grow, develop, and live a new and different life, better and more fulfilling than ever before.

Perhaps all this makes you extra vulnerable to falling in love when you’re about 40? The age when you discover that you’re standing in the middle of life, and begin to wonder if there’s nothing else to look forward to than the usual daily humdrum?

If something happens that keeps you away from your beloved, you become deeply frustrated. And if you get a hunch that the emotions of your chosen other are cooling off, or a rival turns up on the scene – there is simply no greater accident in the world. Suddenly, you can kill. Maybe the rival, maybe yourself. There’s a good reason that literature, music and film are often about those things. Our emotions are rarely stronger than in this situation.

 

Falling in love: With whom, where and how?

Most people fall in love with somebody they have known for a while. You need some time to discover how great that person is. It’s not that love at first sight doesn’t exist; it’s just not very common.

If you are looking for a love affair, you should search for a place or an atmosphere out of the ordinary. Somewhere exciting, maybe dangerous or dramatic in other ways. That makes it particularly easy to fall in love. And be a little mysterious! People love challenges, and having to make an effort to get to know somebody always makes it more enticing.

But remember to show some of your attractive traits: A reasonably good appearance is an asset, and I mean reasonably: Being too ugly isn’t attractive, but being too beautiful can actually scare people away because they feel that they’re not playing in your league at all. I believe that beauty is more important, the younger you are. Kindness, intelligence and humour are features that become more attractive as you get older (good for us!).

At some time, you will probably want to have sex with the person you’re in love with, but it’s actually not the most important thing. Love and sexual attraction are different feelings. What matters is to be together, to be seen, recognized and loved and feel close to this special person.

One more thing is important about falling in love: the first insane, headless phase will pass. Normally, it takes somewhere between 6 and 12 months. If your emotions then change into real love or just evaporate leaving curled toes and embarrassing memories, time will show. So have fun, while it lasts!

 

 

 

Bonobo apes have sex that is fun and friendly

If you were a bonobo, you would have a wonderful life. You would live in old dense rainforest in a place where the Congo River makes a soft turn. It is a hot, humid and fertile spot, and you would have enough food – fruit, leaves, and whatever you would want.

You would enjoy life in the forest with your group. You wouldn’t fight, because there is enough food for all of you. You’re a peaceful crowd. And you would have sex. Several times a day, regardless of gender and age. Oral sex, vaginal sex, caressing and cuddling. Maybe only as a short intermezzo – but enough to give each other a nice time. It is your way of saying hello, bonding, solving conflicts and in general socializing with your mates.

You would not have any enemies besides humans, but there are not many of those where you live. You actually resemble humans a lot yourself – you have at least 98% of your DNA in common with humans.

If you were a female bonobo, you would probably be pregnant, or you would have a baby to take care of. Who the father is, is not important – it may be all the males in the group. You would take care of your kid until it is five years. If it’s a male, he would stay with you till you die, so you could have several grown-up sons in the group. Your daughters would leave home and find another group when they reached puberty.

As a female, you would have a kind of sisterhood with the other adult females in the herd. You would decide, for example, who should have the most delicious fruit. If you had high status, your sons would too – until you died. They would then lose their inherited position in the group, never to get it back.

What about intruders?

If you were a male and you encountered another group of bonobos, you and the other males would form a front against the others, and you would all shout and make a lot of noise. But you wouldn’t kill each other. Meanwhile, females from both groups would get together, and when you and the other males were done shouting, you would all be together in one large community group. You would enjoy yourselves together and have sex across the groups in a week’s time, only to go separate ways again after that.

The guys on the other side of the river? Well, they would live a completely different life. They would not be bonobos, but chimpanzees and gorillas. They would have to fight over food. They would not have sex with anybody in the group and not for fun at all. Females would have nothing to say with respect to when and with whom they had sex. They just had to accept what the alpha male and the others did. They would be lowest in the hierarchy and treated brutally by the males. The alpha male would kill infants he hasn’t fathered. Males would have to watch their back and always be prepared to defend their position in the hierarchy. Between different groups, there would be violent and bloody gang wars.

What can we learn from this?

If there are resources enough, it is not dangerous to share, and not necessary to have power over others to enjoy life. You don’t have to be the physically strongest individual to have a say in the group. And you can have sex with anyone without making anybody feeling threatened.

In the light of our own culture and everyday life, that’s kind of funny to think of…

Can pink pills cure her lack of sexual desire?

My dog Emma is in heat these days. She dreams about puppies and prepares a nest for them in her basket. Male dogs come galloping up to our house, tails high, owners behind them, short of breath and carrying an empty leash. Emma will mate at once, given the chance. She wants to, and she doesn’t care who the partner is, as long as he’s male. When she is not in heat, she sneers at any dog getting too curious of her behind. She does not want to mate. It’s simple.

Marianne and Svend are a couple a little over 50. Marianne’s desire for sex has disappeared completely. She never thinks of sex, has no sexual fantasies, no sudden nice feelings of warmth and heaviness in her pelvis. She and Svend have tried so many things: They have talked about what she likes and what usually turns her on, they have gone on a lover’s weekend, bought toys, watched porn. Nothing has helped. Svend doesn’t try to get close to her so much anymore and the good talks they used to have a getting more rare. Marianne is worried and sad. It’s not simple at all.

People have expectations about desire. They especially expect it to be there, ready to supply experiences, relaxation, wellness, intimacy, and happiness… Lust and a good sex life are seen as necessary ingredients in a good life.

Desire comes from many things

Words, pictures, touch, smell, thoughts and imaginations. What turns us on and how quickly and easily it happens has in part to do with where we are in life. Stress and busyness, disease, breast feeding, oral contraceptives, a partner who’s not as new and exciting as s/he used to be, pain – these are all desire killers. During puberty, when the libido hormone testosterone is high, the sex drive is intense and powerful. During old age spontaneous lust may have disappeared and can only be enticed forward by stimulation and fantasies.

Lack of desire is a widespread problem, with a negative impact on the lives of women and couples all over the world. Hence a great deal of money is at stake for a company who can bring a desire boosting pill on the market. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has now approved Addyi (flibanserin), the first product ever to get an official stamp as a preparation strengthening sexual desire. It’s so far only tested on women prior to menopause. It’s been called “Pink Viagra” or Viagra for women, which is misleading. Viagra (for men) only works if the man already wants to have sex. Addyi is for those who have no desire for sex.

Small effect, many side effects

Dosage is one pill every day, and if you don’t have any noticeable effect after 8 weeks, you should stop the treatment. The pill can have side effects. It can make you dizzy, sleepy and nauseated. The risk is greatest if you drink alcohol, so during treatment with Addyi, you should not drink alcohol at all. A new kind of Antabus, actually. And the effect is not something that will make you see stars and fireworks. The women in treatment get a handful more sexual thoughts and fantasies, but only 10% of the women think their sex lives get better. On average, they have satisfying sex once or twice more every second month. If that makes it worth the trouble (and the side effects) taking Addyi probably depends on how often you have sex in the first place. And so far, Addyi is only approved for women who have not yet gone through menopause.

So Addyi is no miracle. Maybe it’s not at all better for Marianne than other ways of improving desire. I will come back to that later.

Pelvic floor exercises? Isn’t that something for women…?

38312465_sWomen usually hear about pelvic floor exercises after a delivery. They are told that it’s a good thing to do to get in shape again and prevent leakage of urine in the future. But do you know how important those exercises are to your sex life?

The purpose of the exercises is to strengthen the muscles in the pelvic floor. They are shaped a little like a hammock and support your pelvic organs – bladder, uterus, bowel and vagina. In women, the vagina, the urethra and the rectum pass through the muscle. When the muscle contracts, those passages are closed and the pelvic organs lifted a little. A strong pelvic floor muscle gives you control when you urinate and pass gas. It also lets your vagina squeeze the penis during intercourse.

If you pelvic floor muscles are weak, your pelvic organs can begin to descend and bulge into the vagina, and you lose control af urine, gas and eventually stools. It’s embarrassing, and it can really hamper your sex life. Most people are repelled by the thought of passing urine or stools when they have sex – just being scared that it might happen destroys the pleasure. A lax pelvic floor also makes it more difficult to feel the penis during intercourse, and women with a weak pelvic floor are generally not very happy with their sex life.

So start exercising! Even if you haven’t done it in many years, it’s not too late to start.

How to do it? Imagine that you want to stop yourself from passing gas and squeeze the muscle around your anus as much as you can. When you do this, the rest of the pelvic floor muscle contracts too. Hold the contraction for five seconds. Relax for five seconds – and squeeze again. Do it 10 times in a row. You should do it every day or at least three times a week. And you know, muscles only get stronger when you force them to do a little more than they actually can, so put as much effort as you can in it. If you are not sure if you’re doing it right, you can put a finger in your vagina and feel the contraction of the muscles. You can also squeeze your partner’s penis during sex and if you’re doing it right, he will feel it.

What can you expect to get out of this exercise program? Only good things! Stronger muscles around your genitals means better blood circulation and sensitivity. It can help to moisten your vagina and give you more pleasure during sex. And, as a bonus, you will get better control over your bladder and bowel. So get going, and have fun!

Sex after 50? You’re still young at that age!

That people over 50 are enjoying sex is hardly hot news anymore. But what’s it like when you get a lot older?

Do people over 80 have sex at all? Yes, they do. And it’s not even a few youthful exceptions. British researchers have interviewed 7000 men and women over 50 about their sex life, about how often and in what way they have sex, and about their thoughts and worries about the future. The survey showed that 60 % of people between 70 and 79 and 37 % of people over 80 were sexually active in one way or the other. As people get older, intercourse becomes less common. Instead, kissing, cuddling and masturbation takes its place.

The reason for not being sexually active anymore was usually that people had lost their partner. It was especially true for women over 80. If you become chronically ill – get diabetes, high blood pressure or another cardiovascular disease, joint pains or asthma, the disease often also impairs your sex life. This risk is greatest for men. Older women’s sex life is hampered by a dry, sore and sensitive vagina, men’s by erection problems. And both sexes feel that their desire for sex diminishes with age.

Women generally don’t worry as much as men if their desire wanes and sex is given up altogether. For the oldest, it does not seem to matter at all. But it’s important to both women and men that they agree with their partner about how often and in what way to have sex. Otherwise, at least one of the parties will be frustrated. The one who wants more sex will feel unsatisfied, and the one who wants less taken advantage of.

What to do? Well, there’s only one solution. Talk about it!

What are the three best things about sex?

The three best things about sex…

… is a drink before and a cigarette afterwards, I remember somebody saying when I was young.

And some people certainly find that true. But is it good advice? What does alcohol and tobacco do to your sex life?

Let’s start with the positive thing: the drink. Alcohol and sex is not such a bad mixture. A glass of wine or a drink before sex may actually make sex better. It makes you relax and makes it easier for you to enjoy, to talk with your partner about what you like and and what you can do to please him or her. The surroundings, including your partner, become a bit more attractive. The effect may not be as dramatic as in this Tuborg beer-ad from 1994, but still noticeable.

Australian researchers have found that older women who drink a little alcohol have more sex than those who do not drink at all. Other research has shown  that the more people drink, the more likely is it that they will go home with somebody they met in a bar, and they are also more open to having a same-sex experience. So alcohol can be a good thing. Which doesn’t mean that having a glass of wine or two will automatically give you more sex, but having a generally more permissive attitude to the good things in life may.

But too much alcohol is not good, of course. You may do things you’re not at all proud of when the alcohol fog leaves you and you see clearly again. And many men have had the embarrassing experience that too many stiff drinks make them less stiff somewhere else. Alcohol may also make you so sleepy so you forget what you were up to and fall asleep instead – also quite embarrassing, if your partner has other intentions.

And now to the cigarettes

Theres not much good to be said about them, not when it comes to sex or general health.  Smoking definitely has a bad influence on sex – both before and after. Four out of five men with erection problems are smokers, and the more they smoke, the greater their erection difficulties. Smoking gives you arteriosclerosis, which makes your blood vessels lose their elasticity and become narrower. It’s like when water pipes get clogged up by lime scale and too little water gets through. When the blood vessels to the penis are too narrow, not enough blood comes through to produce the erection. Viagra and substances like that may help for a while, but not forever. The vessels may be so bad that even Viagra doesn’t help.

But men aren’t the only ones affected by smoke. Even young women who smoke have less blood flow to their clitoris, their vagina and labia than women who don’t smoke. That may mean that they feel less aroused and get less wet when they have sex.

And in contrast to the wine and the drinks, nobody becomes more attractive from smoking. On the contrary – you age faster, your skin becomes grey and wrinkled, and women who smoke go into menopause a couple of years earlier than non-smokers.

 

So, what are the best three things about sex? Maybe a drink before and a close and cosy talk in bed afterwards?