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Why do women get orgasms?

The purpose of sex is creating a pregnancy, right? And women do not have to orgasm to get pregnant. So why do women get orgasms at all?

There are two opposing theories about this. There’s not much fun about the first one – now you’ve been warned. But stick around anyway, the second one is much more exciting.

The first theory: Women’s orgasm is just a leftover from evolution. It’s a superfluous feature that has no function in relation to our survival. Such features tend to disappear over time, so in the course of a million years or so, women will not get orgasms at all. Men’s nipples, which are of no practical use, will also disappear. (Barbie’s Ken taking the lead. Absolutely no nonsense there.)

A good lover is a good man

The opponents to this theory (the fun starts now!) believe that pleasure and orgasm help women distinguish between good and inferior partners. A woman can only have a limited number of children, and every one of them is an enormous investment of her physical and psychological resources. And how a man behaves during sex may be an indicator of how he would be as a father. Is he a wham-bam thank you mam type, who only thinks about his own needs when he has sex? Or is he the type who enjoys the play, the courting and teasing and touching, and understands that his penis is not going anywhere until it’s invited? This may actually show if he’s willing to put his own needs aside to provide food and protection for the woman and her (and his) baby. Maybe this is why women in general take a longer time to orgasm than men. It gives the man a chance to show his worth, and the woman a chance to separate the wheat from the chaff.

We want sex for the pleasure

In my opinion, believing that female orgasm is an evolutionary leftover is reducing sex to something that only exists to make babies. And what’s worse, it’s also reducing women to passive recipients of men’s sexual exploits (likes of Harvey Weinstein, you know?). This goes with a picture of “natural sex” as a stone age man grabbing a woman by her hair, pulling her off to the nearest cave, where he throws herself on top of her end impregnates her, the intercourse lasting about 45 secs. And what the stone age woman may think of that is unimportant.

If you believe that enjoying sex is just a necessity for men and not for women, consider the anatomy. You will get a huge explanation problem. Because the only part on the human body that is only there for the sake of pleasure is the clitoris. And it’s located on women.

No, in my opinion female orgasm is no evolutionary residue, but a crucial feature of our sexuality. The woman’s orgasm shows that her partner has been out of his way to make her happy. And then there is a greater chance that the partner is also a good life companion in other areas.

(Bonus info: Men’s nipples are strong erogenic zones, so let’s hope they don’t disappear.)

 

To fake is human, to talk is divine

John and Jane are having sex, and Jane has decided to fake orgasm. Jane does not really feel like having sex tonight at all, but thinks ok, let him. A couple of days ago, he said something about how important sex was in a relationship. But right now, she’s not really up to a discussion about how often they should have sex. So she thinks: OK my friend, you get sex and I get peace.

He really makes an effort to make it fun: Different positions, licking her a little while, cuddling her breasts. But it’s not really any use, she just not in the mood tonight.

She also feels she’s getting dry and that doesn’t make it any better. It’s time to end the show.

So she grabs his hips and thrusts him harder into her. She opens her mouth, puts her head a little backwards with her eyes closed and breathes faster, makes the sounds she usually makes just before her orgasm, and then she ends it all with a loud “Ohh!” And then she relaxes. A few seconds later John comes.

“That was fantastic,” he says. “And was it good for you too, honey?”

He falls asleep quickly. After a couple of minutes, Jane sneaks under her own duvet and reaches out for the novel she’s currently reading.

A lot of people fake orgasm, especially women. Some do it every time they have sex, others only once in a while. But for what reasons?

You want to make your partner happy

Most fake for the sake of the partner. And that of course is a good motive, wanting to please your significant other. A good partner hopes that when you have sex, it should be great for both of you. Ideally, you should climax simultaneously, in a huge common climax. If you are unable to meet these expectations, you can pretend – and let your partner keep the image of her/himself as a fantastic bed buddy.

But although you motivation is good, it’s a really bad idea to fake in a permanent relationship.  You should be able to talk about things, including sex, shouldn’t you? Hasn’t Jane told John what he can do to make her orgasm? If she consistently fakes and they never talk about what she likes best, she may never get an orgasm with John. In the long run that could make their relation a sinking ship. Sex is so important to make love last and hold a relationship together, but it must be fun and wonderful and not something you just do out of duty.

But loving someone also means giving a gift sometimes. Just tell it as it is: “I don’t feel like it today, honey, but if you want to, I don’t mind giving you a good oral or whatever you’d like. Then it’s my turn another time.”

You try to turn yourself on

Some people hope that if they just get started, they will get so horny during the proces that they will reach climax. It’s sex life’s fake it till you make it. It’s actually not such a bad idea and it may very well work from time to time. If it is about focusing on and enhancing feelings you already have, it may work like some kind of training to get an orgasm.

You believe that everyone else has the wildest orgasms

Some people fake because they don’t know what’s normal. They believe that everyone else gets the most amazing orgasm after a maximum of five minutes of regular intercourse – so when they don’t live up to their own expectations, they’d better fake. They are afraid they will be seen as abnormal otherwise. Frigid was the word for it in the old days with a very negatively charged word, and that means cold. So in order to appear as sexy and sensual lovers or mistresses, they put on an act and add som extras to body language, sounds and movements.

This type of faking is not uncommon in one night stands, where the scene may not be set for a deep conversation about lusts and turn-offs.

You just want to sleep …

And then there are those who fake just to get it over with, like Jane. It’s just a little white lie that does not harm anyone, right? She could also just have said no and let John lay there with his lust until it disappeared, or he handled it himself. After all, it’s not a human right to get sex just because you want it – not even in a steady relationship.

Real men exercise for better erection!

Can exercise really give you a stronger erection? Yes, it can!

If you are 50+, you have probably noticed that muscles lose their strength with age. That you can’t lift heavy things, run up the stairs or do push-ups as when you were 20. The muscles in the pelvic floor get weaker too – and this may have consequences for your sex life.

Strong pelvic muscles make it easier to get a firm erection and keep it. They help you control your orgasm and prolong the pleasure for yourself and your partner. And strong muscles also give you better orgasms, make the sensation of  the rhythmic contractions in your pelvis stronger. And who wouldn’t want that?

This is how it works: Imagine the pelvic floor muscles like a hammock that can be tightened and lifted and also relaxed. The hammock has passages for the urethra and the rectum, and for women also the vagina. When the hammock is relaxed and lowered, urine, gas and stools can pass. If you couldn’t control your pelvic floor at all, the hammock would be relaxed all the time. Both the rectum and the bladder would empty themselves without your being able to stop it.

In children and young people, the muscles are strong. But as you get older and the muscles become weaker, you may start to drip a little urine and pass some gas occasionally. You can also get a sudden urge to urinate and may not be able to reach the toilet in time. And it will only get worse if you don’t start strengthening those muscles. As you can imagine, there may be some really awkward situations here…

So how do you do your Kegel exercises?

 

Squeeze your muscles as if you were trying to stop passing gas

Squeeze as much as you can and count slowly to ten

Relax, count to ten – and squeeze again

Try to do the exercises twice daily and 8-10 times each time.

 

If you are not sure you are using the right muscles, you can try exercising while lying on your back with your knees flexed. This position makes it easier to feel the muscles contracting.

You can also try to stop the flow while you are urinating. If you can do that, you are using the right muscles.

When you do the Kegels in the right way, you can feel your anus being pulled upward towards the abdomen. Your penis will also move a little when you squeeze. Try not to squeeze the muscles in your abdomen, buttocks or thighs. And remember, muscles only get stronger if you demand something from them that they can’t do! Be prepared that it takes some weeks’ effort before you will notice a change. And then, look forward to an even better sex life!